I had a one on one with my daughter’s friend who said to me “Aunty Mbalz, sometimes I wish my mother was like you, outspoken and free.” 

I was not hearing that for the first time and every time I hear such utterances I always open up because I’m hoping our kids become the mothers we weren’t taught to be.

I would have never been seen this way twenty years ago. I was a different person and ten years after that, a totally different woman.

What people experience is a process of great and not so great decisions over the years. I’ve changed so much it feels like I may have started the journey over completely.

As a child, I was very detached. I was not allowed to speak about my absent father because that meant that I didn’t appreciate what my mother was doing for me.Being detached from him made me learn how not to chase what you don’t know but at the same time I missed out on understanding what I should accept and not accept from the father of my children.

At home, certain questions were not to be asked and it was the same mentality that was applied in my marriage.

When you live a particular life, you end up believing that that’s the life you were destined for. The life where you consciously and unconsciously live by considering certain people, community, circumstances and FAMILY. I laugh at myself when I think about it. If I were to write an exam about my own life I would fail dismally. I was almost not present as an individual in my own life.

I do remember moments where I tried to “be” but did not succeed or my actions would be interpreted as out of order, defiant or being irresponsible. Trying to BE was taboo. Seeking a sense of existence was never about me but rather about everything around me. 

“YOU MUST BEHAVE LIKE A RESPONSIBLE WOMAN.” – the clear mandate for my marriage.

When things went wrong within our four walls, we were applauded for  handling the issue quietly. Keeping it within the walls was honourable and was also meant to protect your children and your family.

God threw a spanner in there when I gave birth to only creative kids. I needed all the understanding and patience in the world because I was not dealing with accountants with fixed salaries, I was dealing with kids that wanted to do everything and anything and understanding that needed me to become a better communicator.

My children would be the ones to show me that there was no protection at all in silence.

After my husband’s death, I was forced to have conversations with my children. It was now about their survival and not the survival of my marriage. I allowed them to use their brains, ask questionsbut I’d sometimes answer in small doses out of fear that the ugly truth would change them. I made sure that my children live their lives as themselves not as I want them to be because I couldn’t fight for my own independence, I needed them to be equipped to fight for their own.

I’m sitting in my 50s, only now starting to boldly mark my territory, trajectory and space. While I watch my kids evolve, I’m excited to also be evolving with them.

The good thing about life now is that I realize when I lose myself in circumstances. I know how to break free and make choices without taking ten years to get to them.

There is nothing wrong with being quiet. Silence isgood, it’s a pivotal part of spirituality to silence distractions and zoom in on goals. But the right type of silence is the one you chase within, not the one people try to force on you.

I gave birth to myself in Star. She’s the liberated, more passionate and more driven version of me. I used to look at this picture of me on my wedding day at the age of 23 and think “you had no clue that was the day you would die”. I now look at it and see my kids and the amazing choices they made at 23 because I decided to open my mouth and give my imperfections a chance to guide them.

Forgive your mothers. They were taught to find a man that would want to come home to them. Forgive them for not sharing, for not being the ones to always start the tough conversations. Forgive them. And then fix it for your kids.

This is the reward that God put on me, to bring love in the form of Star to the world? I couldn’t have done too badly.

First the blog and then the world. Mommy is proud of you.